A young boy wearing an Orphan t-shirt -- and dissing Vivisector as his "least favorite X-Statix", hee! -- walks across a mine-strewn field and thinks about how nice it would be to have mutant powers, go to America and join X-Statix. He reflects on how many mutants only found out about their powers when they were his, Jesus Diaz', age, and thinks that when he has powers, too, he'll rid these fields of the land mines. In the meantime, he'll walk across them, unafraid, because that's what Orphan or Anarchist would do. Cue land mine and ironically gorgeous explosion graphic.

Back in New York, X-Statix and an unwelcome Spider-Man have engaged the Eurotrash. As Orphan grabs Henrietta from Wall's clutches, she tells him she has a great idea. He grits his teeth and tells her to stop waving to her fans and start concentrating on saving her neck, but she blithely informs him that he and the rest of the team could use their "fame and influence to do real good" and make a difference. He orders Venus Dee Milo to 'port them out of there, but she's too busy being mauled by Surrender Monkey. Dead Girl rescues her, Vivisector complaining that he'd been planning on doing the rescuing, and witty repartee ensues. Henrietta marvels that they can keep up such a banter considering the circumstances, and Orphan replies that "It goes with the job description." And, of course, that paragon of witty repartee (Spider-Man, true believers) swings in to rescue her, prompting Phat to physically block him from doing so. Spider-Man tries to tell an incredulous Phat that "it doesn't matter whose gig it is". Henrietta claims that they don't have to fight over her, as Venus DM scoffs. Surrender Monkey's powers kick in and Miz Tree grabs Henrietta and, with the rest of the Eurotrash, blockade themselves in the X-Statix megastore.

X-Statix confers: Orphan wants to go in after them and rescue Henrietta, but Anarchist is fearful that it's all a set-up and, more importantly, doesn't want to make a fool of himself in front of the cameras. The rest of the team readily agree, and Venus DM 'ports them out of there to formulate a plan. Or just sit in front of the TV till they can think one up.

Inside the Megastore, Miz Tree is already sick of Henrietta, and wants Wall to stick a brick through Henrietta's brain. Henrietta though, wants them to listen to her and improve their positions beyond being "second-rate joke mutants." She tells them that they can either be known as the group of mutants who killed "the most beautiful woman-cum-saint there ever was" (gag!)... or they can be clever.

Shortly, news broadcasts announce that a ransom has been demanded for Henrietta to the tune of ten million dollars, of which ten percent will go to her favorite charities. Reggie has a coughing fit back in Europa, while the news anchor, Tracy, asks someone off-screen what the rest of X-Statix is doing. He claims that their retreat must be some sort of brilliant tactical move. At X-Statix HQ, Phat suggests they change the channel. Orphan still thinks they should rescue her, because she could be right, and they might be capable of more than this.

From Europa, an irate Reggie chews out Freeman over the telephone. He tells Freeman that if Henrietta isn't dead within 24 hours, then their deal is off and certain documents regarding Freeman's "chemical shipments to a certain dictator" will be publicized. Freeman assures him that they have it all under control, but that he's trying to build dramatic tension as Vin Diesel, apparently, is interested in starring in the movie version. He further tells Reggie not to worry about X-Statix, as they couldn't save Henrietta if they'd wanted to, as they'd all become "fat and complacent." Freeman is oblivious to an angry Doop, tape-recording from outside the window, who later plays the tape for the rest of the team to hear how Freeman credits himself with saving the team from being a bunch of washed-up has-beens by virtue of his media manipulation.

That goes over with the rest of the team as well as can be expected (or, to recycle an old joke of mine, poorly) when Doop plays the tape for them. Freeman tries to assure them that they heard it all out of context. The team threatens him with torture but quickly gets to the point: they're going to rescue Henrietta quickly, meanly, and to hell with what anyone else thinks. El Guapo is left with the task of tying up Freeman while the rest get ready for action. Freeman uses the time alone with El G to persuade him that allowing Henrietta to die would be a favor Freeman would never forget.

The team 'port into the Megastore, where Henrietta is having a civilized cup of tea. Anarchist immediately attacks Miz Tree, prompting my favorite oath from Wall. Henrietta is aghast as the two teams attack each other mercilessly, but is then grabbed by a knife-wielding Blind Ali... and that pun only just made sense to me. El G watches, unsure of what to do. The devil on his shoulder, disguised as Freeman, repeats what Freeman had previously said to him. He flings his skateboard regardless, decapitating Blind Ali and saving Henrietta.

At HQ afterwards, Anarchist brushes off a question regarding the morality of their annihilation of The Eurotrash. When asked by another reporter, Henrietta announces that she plans to use her position within X-Statix to work for worthy causes, and to enlist the help of a man who designs for her "dear friend Elton" in rethinking the "passe" costumes the team wears. Reggie, watching elsewhere on TV, keels over, muttering semi-coherently.

Later, a perplexed team watches on TV as Henrietta arranges an honorary X-Statix membership for a hospitalized Jesus Diaz. A still bound Freeman tells the team that Henrietta's is the face of the future, that she's doing real good and raising awareness and money, and that she's getting more fan mail than all the rest of the team put together. Worse, she's also redesigned the team wardrobe, in a Liberace meets Fat Elvis fashion. Worse still, their shareholders and marketing people are insisting that Henrietta be made team leader as soon as she returns from her press junket.

Anarchist finally breaks the shocked silence to announce that, while still leader, he's the one to make the inevitable decision that Orphan is kind enough to vocalize: Henrietta must die. Freeman states, "That's my team", eliciting over-the-shoulder glances from the departing team.

Review: Baha! I like how Henrietta is depicted as a person who, while doing so much good for many, is also just a plain old pain in the kiester for others. Her annoying behavior would probably be a lot more bearable if it didn't seem intentional, and also somewhat malicious. I'm assuming the team eventually manages to off her... but with this creative team, it could well be the other way around, and we'll -- okay, I'll -- still be lapping up every panel and word balloon. Loved the Spidey cameo, too. Far more in character than their Professor X cameos, and even less gratuitous than some Wolverine appearances. Then again, most Wolverine guest appearances in other comics tend to have no basis apart from marquee value, so to speak, so I guess I shouldn't complain about Milligan's usage.